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Joseph Grammer, Author

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Mutant Cyborg

someone’s been shaking the leaves of my tree, because a lot has happened this year

my dad died

I started taking medicine for depression

I fell apart a bit

my mom bought me a new car

I did some work that I’m proud of

my brother got married (really happy)

my family is growing

I learned that hospitals are a little traumatic

I found my wife a birthday present she liked (yay)

I took my wife for some really good pizza in a very traditional New Jersey place where everyone gets either plain or pepperoni and she puts lots of unorthodox toppings on it and everyone stared at us and I made fun of her a little but really I didn’t care because I love her, and if she wants toppings on her pizza, she can damn well do it

I held my dad’s hand while he died and I didn’t cry, I wasn’t able to cry until a few weeks ago

I still feel like a ghost but I’m happy there are people I love who help me

I wrote more of my books

I felt guilty about making an old shitty book, but my author friends told me never to think like that, and I respect them

I hung out with very cool authors who all spoke Spanish and I listened as best as I could and tried not to mangle their beautiful language too badly

My wife and I watched this one guy on Twitch who was very bro-y and comical but then he started talking about his testicular cancer and I was engrossed in the fact that I was watching this total stranger through a screen as he talked about his relationship with death and dying and his deepest pain, and I felt like technology is a window into our souls, sometimes

We got a chinchilla named Frank Sinatra

Chinchillas can live for 30 years and they jump 6 feet in the air

Chinchillas have the densest fur of any land mammal, and they can’t get wet or they’ll catch a fungus and die

Chinchillas’ natural enemy seems to be the rain

The chinchilla has an Instagram, because this is 2019

One of my good friends went on a dangerous journey and came back safely and that made me very happy

I helped save one of my best friend’s lives

I learned more about philosophy, which is a fun way of trying out new brain frameworks — Deleuze seems cool

I went to some fun weddings, broke a glass, carried my friend on a chair, got to know Queens better, learned to take things a bit easier

My wife and I saw a bunch of plucky beavers in a swamp, then some muskrats

The swamp is pretty fecund, and the word fecund only really makes sense when talking about swamps

The car that my mom bought for me has Bluetooth and modern technology things and I got to catch up on all the things cars can do now, and I’m very grateful for her and love her, not because she bought me a car with her own money, but because she’s very selfless and kind and she visited my dad in the hospital every day until he died, just because that’s the kind of person she is

I watched basketball with my dad on Christmas night, because I didn’t want him to be alone, and that hospital room has a very deep place in my heart and I don’t think it will ever leave me

I drank a lot of espresso

I wish I had seen my friends more, because I love them

Sometimes I feel like I’m going to crack apart and die, but other times I feel like a tough little stone that hops around in a hurricane, flying around in the wind but not overly worried or stressed about it

I think my experiences are pretty normal, except for my mom buying a car for me, that’s extremely rare and I’m exceedingly lucky

Growing older is like becoming a mutant cyborg because you’re extra strong but also you’re kind of horrifying, and the question isn’t so much “Should I exist” as “What does this completely freakish being like me get to do in a world full of regular humans” and the answer to that is whatever you were doing before, but cooler.

Guts and Doughnuts

By six a.m., snow was falling in gusts and sprays. My phone blinked and buzzed from an onslaught of text messages. I heard my girlfriend cajoling me awake. I groaned.

Less than an hour later our two-car caravan left the D.C. metro area as a cataclysmic snowstorm approached the capital like something out of a disaster movie. We were escaping the Snowpocalypse, but we were driving right into an intestinally destructive melee of saturated fat and competitive running. Four and a half miles in under an hour, with a twelve-doughnut snack break halfway through: this was the Krispy Kreme Challenge at N.C. State. Only six of us were foolish enough to attempt it, with my girlfriend there to chronicle the event and identify our bodies if need be.

A hot wings joint en route offered a picture on the wall to anyone who could eat twelve of their spiciest wings in under fifteen minutes. No way I’m punishing my body like that less than twenty-four hours before a doughnut race, I thought. Two minutes later, I was signing the waiver, thinking about permanent taste bud damage. Soon, I was gasping in defeat, my face covered in purple splotches. Three of my friends got pictures on the wall. I got diarrhea as a consolation prize.

As if we didn’t feel foolish enough, we picked up some superhero underwear—to be worn outside the pants—at a Walmart. It was bitterly cold when we left the hotel the next morning, by which time I’d already made three agonizing trips to the bathroom. Shorts around my ankles, Transformers briefs around my shorts, I thought hard about my life. I was an idiot, I decided. So I ran 4.6 miles and ate twelve Krispy Kreme doughnuts. It was glorious. I didn’t finish in an hour, and my stomach never forgave me, but at least I did better than the barefoot guy in the Mortal Kombat costume.

— from Urbanite Magazine, August 2011

http://issuu.com/urbanitemagazine/docs/august2011/6

 

Haddonfield

He smashed the glass without trying the handle. Flickering hall lights tossed shadows in broad slashes over the floor tiles, over filing cabinets and furniture piled up haphazardly, where the engineers had staged their poor man’s Thermopylae.

Reid stepped into the hall. No corpses; blood, smeared like children’s pictures over the bulwarks. His footsteps rebounded back to him between the walls, summing and fading like music drummed out by a lunatic, which was fitting since no moderately sane human would continue down the corridor of his own accord. He checked the radio: silent. Of course silent. It wouldn’t make sense for company equipment to function properly.

Even on a World Nations moon, missions were lethal. Some bigshot nabbed a contract, terraformed a patch, set up shop, and chatted every week with command, until one morning some nitrogen-breathing arthropod hiding in a crater battered down the doors or shredded the oxygen conduit. Then the company called the Mobile Integrated Reconnaissance, Observation, and Response Squad (MIROR). Reid and the Mirror Men.

Moon Haddonfield, out in the ass corner of vacant space, was not World Nations ratified. It was a classified project, some nightmare on the endless frontier.

In Reid’s vision a dot flared and died; he’d lost Kaz on the HUD map. They traveled in pairs, eight men to a team. Cheap and secret like cosmonaut speed, as his DI used to say. He and Kaz had passed through an airlock, overridden the controls—but the door slammed shut as soon as Reid passed through. No problem. He’d told the corporal: set a marker, find Bell and Kaplan, let them know what’s up.

Now the intercom was shot and he couldn’t check up on Kaz, or anyone.

This was three minutes ago, maybe? His clock always shit out on him when he needed it most.

Focus.

This part of the station was a laboratory. Biohazard decals and retinal scans for every door. Reek of antiseptic cleaner, dust, and the staleness of remade oxygen. Moonguys developed migraines after months in artificial air, no matter the pills they took (even cosmo speed).

“This is Naler, moving east in the lab, over.” Worth a shot. Talking to static didn’t boost your confidence in a blood-slick tunnel, though.

He ran through protocol. Stopped beside every door and tested the lock. Blood on the handles. The air was colder here, too, closer to the temperature of the moon. His breath frosted the recon helmet’s visor.

Reid had captained eighty-six missions in six years of service. He was an O3, a company officer, and he had no need for a fixed location. Most humans his age were married and spawning kids, cultivating hobbies for a dopamine boost outside their desk job. Reid preferred fieldwork, even if the rush in his throat now was deeply entwined with anatomical fear. He made an impact in a part of space no one saw, which was what his instructor had told him while pushing the non-disclosure form across the table.

“Kaz, what’s going on, over? Shit.”

No sound but his own. You’d think pipes would bang, doorframes settle in the shifting pressure. His armor rustled at the joints to remind him that the board of directors had “cut costs” on the plastic vests used for outstarring. There’d even been one or two oxygen failures.

Reid stepped around a particularly wide circle of blood and noted it was brown, dry. Someone killed these guys, then hauled off the bodies without signs of dragging? He pictured some unhinged scientist waving a pistol, vomiting nonsense about the apocalypse in 3983. Every once in a while an egghead lost it, couldn’t take the isolation; the company didn’t like to spread that data on the front pages, but it happened. Extraplanetary Schizotypal Fugue, with or without hallucinations. Gave the HR psychologists something to debate.

Reid smiled, even as the sweat cooled and froze on his lips. Probably the guy had just pissed off the group. Made the wrong joke, incurred the spleen of the wrong geek. You think junior high has cliques, go live on a sub-zero rock with a hundred other Type-A scholars. You’re better off cramming tiger sharks in a sink.

Something cracked like a twig. Reid stopped, swiveled at the waist with his AR-1220 panning the hall. He flattened his back against a metal wall and checked the way he’d come, the narrow strip of light from his guntorch lighting up the patches of ichor.

“Kaz you asshole.”

He waited ten seconds, counted them in his head, moved on. Kaz should be along soon; Bell had a gate-cutter, it would take care of the airlock no problem. In his viewfinder he saw the station’s blue-and-white schematic, all the twists and dead ends—but no dots where his squadmates should be. He thought about walking through another dim hallway on Moon Gaspar, when a pipe had burst in front of him, filling his sternum with pressurized shrapnel. Lucky that was before the cuts.

The hall ended, split left and right. A broad swath of red on the wall from someone’s desperate hand. Lovely.

Right went to the gas-labs, according to the map. Left was supplies. He went with the latter, figuring he could scavenge for something useful. Engineers like stuff that cuts through metal.

The way was cold and still, total darkness. His flashlight cut through the gloom to show clouds of milling dust that couldn’t have been floating without something to disrupt them.

“Kaz,” he said again, a whisper.

No bodies at all in the whole place. They’d pried the gates open, checked the oxygen, the pressure. Everything fine. Sure, the electric was spotty (here it was nonexistent), but nothing a few fuses wouldn’t fix. Had everyone gone on a goddamn lunar joyride? Was there some brothel on the other side of the rock he didn’t know about? Moon Haddonfield: a piss-poor location if there ever was one. So naturally they called in Reid.

He tested Supply Closet A’s plastic handle—locked. Breathing deeply, he tugged out his misfit (Multipurpose Survival Field Tool) and jammed the crowbar head into the space between door and lintel. The portal swung inward. He stepped over the threshold, swept the light around 180 degrees. Dun corpses piled high to the ceiling. No big deal.

Shit.

He spun around, finger on trigger, sweat glazed on his aching skin. Fucking psychopath in here. No bloating somehow—had he sterilized them? Dried them into mummies or puppets?

He faced the bodies again. No eyes, lips, or teeth to speak of. Fingernails gone. No clothes. Just bloodless husks, desiccated skin and meat around bone. He stared into a woman’s dark sockets, as if hoping for a clue to this massacre, and a tail flicked into view. As in, inside her head.

He squeezed semi-auto rounds into the wrinkled face and popped it like a grape. Dry chunks of meat like jerky pebbled the storeroom floor. He stepped back, wishing for a grenade, any explosive to unmake that pile. But you don’t bring bombs in a pressurized complex on a moon. Even the bullets were designed not to pierce the walls.

“Kaz, I found bodies, over. Answer me you creep.”

A strangled hiss.

“Kaz? You there, over?”

“Naler, ju…”

“Kaz, what the hell are you saying? You’re not coming in, over.”

“…call up….cont…”

“Jesus fucking Christ. Repeat. I got bodies over here, over.”

He covered a careful retreat, making for the airlock, leaving the door wide open. First rule: no heroics. His own steps thundered in his ears. Move slow, stop every three meters and check both avenues, move again. The airlock was the gold prize.

He moved back through the office, the door he had shattered. Whiteboards with notes and complicated jokes about physics. As a captain and pilot, Reid hadn’t gone past pitch, roll, and yaw, but even if he’d understood he wouldn’t have found them funny. Not on Haddonfield.

Visual on the airlock. Crack behind him, and he waited in the causeway to see what monstrosity would drag itself through the office to peel off his fingernails, uproot his teeth with nickel-thick claws.

Nothing came.

He made his way to the end. Through the porthole he saw the faulty lock, protected passage beyond. Now it was drenched in liquid, fresh and slick: a body leaning against it, the head helmeted but the head was leaning too far over.

“Kaz.”

No answer. He spoke into the mic, he knocked on the steel door.

“Kaz.”

Crack.

He swung around, fired a three-shot burst that ended somewhere in the office. Put a hole right through the engineer’s private puns.

 

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Riastrad

Emert Cooley rode drunk out of the bar at two forty-five, high as a fighter pilot and laced with pain. Forest air whipped the flush from his cheeks like his childhood blanket, cool at the end of a long day. But what was long at age seven? Not even a whipping.

“You’re a chump,” he said under the motor sounds. “Go piss under the covers, tell a story about that.”

A belch fell out onto the steering wheel. His stomach drooped over a cold belt that dug into his crotch. Too much Guinness and fries, but he could still knock the tar out of six kids like in first grade when they wouldn’t let him play football. Then go to starting QB with the girls grabbing his hair.

Reid and he used to share that old grimy sheet with the white stars, huddle up and trade stories about soldiers and talking dogs and shy girls from Germany and Japan. Reid always told them best.

“Once there was this kid named Layne who could fly, but only when someone jumped out and surprised him. So he told his friend Dan the Bulldog to pop out of a different hiding place every day and get him started. In the garbage can, behind the fridge, under the space between the porch and the outside stairs where the garter snakes live. Dan was really good at it. Layne flew to Dublin and drank real Guinness with the old guys like Grandpa, and he fought a bear by dropping bombs on him. Dan made Ovaltine shakes for Layne when he came home.”

In the all-night diner on the way home he’d shoved away meatloaf in disgust. “What is this—dog?” Screwed up the taste of chocolate malt, too. No tip.

He drank in secret, in the morning, at work. Cassie too busy for appreciation, never mind her magazine didn’t even sell. Every day for the past two weeks he’d stopped in at the Red Branch on Route 20 to find his brother. Near Easter he got this way.

“Hey Reid, hey Reid.”

Then he’d settle down for a draught, just one, and Carl Tynecastle would sidle up with a shot.

“Left hook, right hook, left hook, right hook…”

In the room they’d always whispered a shade louder than nerves could handle; a little-kid provocation to dad’s palm. Long Hand Luke, the Army called him.

Emert rammed his head into the doorpanel to quell the liquor, but it didn’t unmake his choices. A whippoorwill trilled in the yard. Down at the Red Branch Larry Fisk had put on “I Don’t Want to Die Tonight” by the Mercurials and they’d sung along in boozy 4/4 time

 

Tell me love, tell me true
Say that I’ll end up with you
Honey, you’re my guiding light
And I don’t wanna die tonight.

 

 

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Wake Up

LeBron James is loved. Adulated. The Most Valuable Player. He poses with gold trophies for southern Florida and the grid of starry-eyed hopefuls who wear his jerseys. Two championships back to back. Roll the rock from the cave, for the king is risen. Deploy cases of Ace.

“I worked hard. The whole season I buckled down and put in my time. That’s what it’s all about.”

He sprays champagne in Miami Beach, I shuck back Miller High Life in a Standard Room, Nonsmoking in Colorado Springs. The difference is effort. That’s what pegs people to either side of the TV, so pay attention to your betters, kids.

“I shouldn’t have made it this far, when you think about it.” He shrugs, a self-acknowledged oddity. “All the things people said. But when they say stuff about me, talk it up, I brush it off. And see?” He hefts his award. “It’s all good.”

I’m sure it’s fantastic. But me? I’m sleepless, spoiled by my own lack of drama. A college grad gone sour, though I have another year before I’m twenty-four, when I’m convinced I’ll have to answer for grouchy idleness.

Question One:

What is LeBron? Athlete, superstar, role model. A belief on a nation of screens, compressed to an image yet without limit, an ode to real fortune.

Two:

What is Dan Lowry? Government waste, unknown, a warning to kids with dreams. Banal and depressed.

I’m tongue-tied as James struts the court, and we’re not even in the same room. Different states, too, for that matter.

His aura of accomplishment bows my head. If we lock eyes I’ll explode into bloody confetti, so just retreat from the screen. Drink until regularly scheduled programming returns.

“Can I be a champion too?”

I crinkle my beercan. Self-loathing is man’s effort to sweep the moon of footprints.

“Well, who’s gonna answer that?”

LeBron peers down without judgment. I’m not surprised he’s learned teleportation; kings always get the best gadgets.

“Your hands are as big as my head, man.”

“Chuck that beer in the garbage, it’s not doing you any good. You’re not celebrating, you’re sinking. Now throw the can. Two points if you make it from here.”

The sunny sweat of victory graces his lip.

“I have to go to the bathroom first.”

“No, no excuses. Toss the can, Dan.”

My High Life splatters against the wall. They’re going to charge for that.

“Now get up and go.”

“But where?”

“I said, go.”

 

 

 

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The Feeble Poet

The poet piped icing onto his wife’s birthday cake. His head swayed in outrage as the line dribbled out.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

His friend took the pastry bag away and set it on the counter. “You’re trying too hard to make it look good. And you can’t paint for shit.”

The cake gleamed white and yellow with mint-green trim. The poet had spent the last thirty minutes trying to replicate in icing “Rape of the Daughters of Leucippus” by Peter Paul Rubens.

His wife’s clock stripped every shred of privacy from the darkness. The men swished the dregs of their dark coffees.

“Should I just let it be shitty then?”

The friend studied the wobbly Pollux on the cake. They hadn’t even gotten to Castor, much less the women they were violating.

“Probably not.”

They ate the whole thing. The poet wrote a verse for his wife instead.

 

I ate your cake

Signs solve our distress

I may be late

I went to see my mistress

 

“‘Distress’ and ‘mistress’ have stresses on different syllables.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“Well it ruins the flow of the thing.”

“Fuck you, ruins the flow. People do it all the time.”

“Whatever you say, Mr. Bard.”

“Whatever I say. Goddamn right.”

They tossed their coffee grounds into the sink.

“Hell of a way to tell your wife you’re having an affair, though.”

“Yeah, well, it’s better than writing it on the cake like I was planning.”

 

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