someone’s been shaking the leaves of my tree, because a lot has happened this year
my dad died
I started taking medicine for depression
I fell apart a bit
my mom bought me a new car
I did some work that I’m proud of
my brother got married (really happy)
my family is growing
I learned that hospitals are a little traumatic
I found my wife a birthday present she liked (yay)
I took my wife for some really good pizza in a very traditional New Jersey place where everyone gets either plain or pepperoni and she puts lots of unorthodox toppings on it and everyone stared at us and I made fun of her a little but really I didn’t care because I love her, and if she wants toppings on her pizza, she can damn well do it
I held my dad’s hand while he died and I didn’t cry, I wasn’t able to cry until a few weeks ago
I still feel like a ghost but I’m happy there are people I love who help me
I wrote more of my books
I felt guilty about making an old shitty book, but my author friends told me never to think like that, and I respect them
I hung out with very cool authors who all spoke Spanish and I listened as best as I could and tried not to mangle their beautiful language too badly
My wife and I watched this one guy on Twitch who was very bro-y and comical but then he started talking about his testicular cancer and I was engrossed in the fact that I was watching this total stranger through a screen as he talked about his relationship with death and dying and his deepest pain, and I felt like technology is a window into our souls, sometimes
We got a chinchilla named Frank Sinatra
Chinchillas can live for 30 years and they jump 6 feet in the air
Chinchillas have the densest fur of any land mammal, and they can’t get wet or they’ll catch a fungus and die
Chinchillas’ natural enemy seems to be the rain
The chinchilla has an Instagram, because this is 2019
One of my good friends went on a dangerous journey and came back safely and that made me very happy
I helped save one of my best friend’s lives
I learned more about philosophy, which is a fun way of trying out new brain frameworks — Deleuze seems cool
I went to some fun weddings, broke a glass, carried my friend on a chair, got to know Queens better, learned to take things a bit easier
My wife and I saw a bunch of plucky beavers in a swamp, then some muskrats
The swamp is pretty fecund, and the word fecund only really makes sense when talking about swamps
The car that my mom bought for me has Bluetooth and modern technology things and I got to catch up on all the things cars can do now, and I’m very grateful for her and love her, not because she bought me a car with her own money, but because she’s very selfless and kind and she visited my dad in the hospital every day until he died, just because that’s the kind of person she is
I watched basketball with my dad on Christmas night, because I didn’t want him to be alone, and that hospital room has a very deep place in my heart and I don’t think it will ever leave me
I drank a lot of espresso
I wish I had seen my friends more, because I love them
Sometimes I feel like I’m going to crack apart and die, but other times I feel like a tough little stone that hops around in a hurricane, flying around in the wind but not overly worried or stressed about it
I think my experiences are pretty normal, except for my mom buying a car for me, that’s extremely rare and I’m exceedingly lucky
Growing older is like becoming a mutant cyborg because you’re extra strong but also you’re kind of horrifying, and the question isn’t so much “Should I exist” as “What does this completely freakish being like me get to do in a world full of regular humans” and the answer to that is whatever you were doing before, but cooler.